There’s two kinds of wedding photography: cheesy and uber-cheesy.
For some reason, everyone tends to be under the impression that their wedding celebration is the most unique thing since sliced bread. No one else in the world has ever been married before, or at least that’s the implication of their wedding planning. Even grooms and brides who try to totally “rebel” against the wedding industry with their weddings being at city hall and their reception consisting of a bucket of chicken are still playing into the uniqueness game. And this spills over into wedding photography. Every photographer has a look, a style, a desire to whitewash their subjects to the point where Casper looks more defined than they do. Every photographer also enjoys coming up with unique “poses” that they then inflict on every one of their clients. From hugging a tree, to showing off their garter, every photographer has the same general style of unique poses. It’s kinda obnoxious really and these poses are anything but unique. What we need is a revolution in wedding photography poses, where the idea of “different” really means different.
I’m glad McSweenys is starting to fight that good fight.
Bride and groom sitting in a makeshift raft. Both looking like scared Cubans defecting to America.
Groom as a used-car salesman and bride in the market for a fuel-efficient, reliable Japanese-made compact with decent trunk space. Groom is making the hard sell on a Suzuki SX4 Crossover. Bride is inspecting it, touching the instrument panel, showing interest. Groom explaining to bride features like the rear-glass demister, and making sure she knows that the heated outside mirrors are only available on the touring-package model.
Bride is crying. Groom is sitting at a table. In front of him on the table are lines of pure Columbian cocaine, a razorblade, and a tightly rolled $20 bill. Groom is wearing only an undershirt, boxer shorts, and socks, which have holes in them. Wedding rings are off‚Äîeverything was sold a long time ago to buy blow. (Stubble and lesions to be added via Photoshop.) Bride is a broken shell of a woman and is tugging on groom’s arm, begging him to stop.
Tall, dark, and handsome best man behind a bush with the bride, getting it on. Hands are all over each other. Bride’s expensive hairdo ruined by passionate foreplay. The two appear to have a history together, or pent-up desire for each other that could never be expressed because of the groom’s feelings. Groom peering angrily through bush with expression that says, “My new wife is cheating on me on our wedding day with my best man and I don’t care for it.”
I might have to do that Cuban one.