Throwing Chucks at Chuck

Hey, alright now
Alright now fellas, (YEAH!)
Now what’s cooler than bein’ cool?
(ICE COLD!) I can’t hear ya’
I say what’s cooler than bein’ cool?
(ICE COLD!) whooo…

You know what’s not ice cold fellas? Wearing chucks at your wedding.

I know I like to pick on the brides quite a bit but today I’m taking on the fellows because there is a trend among groomsmen and grooms that really needs to stop. If your bride wants to wear chucks, fine. Considering how obsessive they are told they need to be about their shoes, if they want to wear an overpriced pair of rubber, let them go for it. But you fellows out there with your stereotypical aloofness, 5 o’clock shadow, and with your only requirement to actually show up on the wedding day at the right time? You, yes you, are not allowed to wear chucks at your wedding.

Wait. That’s a little harsh. In theory, I’m not against wearing chucks at your wedding. If, say, you’re getting married by Elvis in Vegas, then chucks work. Or if you’re marrying in a nudist colony and want something to protect your feet against the hot asphalt, chucks would work well in that semi-casual environment. But how many of you guys actually fit these requirements? Zero so why, over the last few years (which, I know, does mean that this trend is probably dying off) feel the need to wear chucks with their tuxes and suits? What’s wrong with you?

There is nothing hip or cool about wearing a pair of chucks. It’s not rebellious. It’s not interesting. And it does not look as good on you as you think it does.

To use the old self-defeating defense, I’ll admit that I love chucks – I’m wearing a pair right now actually. And I’d rather wear chucks than a lot of other pairs of shoes. But on my wedding day? No freakin way. Besides the obvious fact that Chucks are only great the more their worn (and beaten in), my black low tops and red high tops are spending that day in the closet. I know a lot about the history of chucks – their evolution into high schools in the 50s, their graduation adoption by punks and “edgy” kids in the 70s and 80s (because they were the only cheap shoe around), and their explosion among hipsterdom in the 2000s. There are now 70 different varieties of chucks, designer chucks, and they now cost up to 30 times what they did in the mid 80s. And why? Because American culture is a sponge for whatever is considered different and loves taking what’s outside, dumbing it down for the masses, and spitting it out to a new younger generation. And as the second and third generation punks and burnouts finally get old, along with their 2nd wave hardcore punk friends, the pop punk kids of the mid 90s and their distant relatives from the emo of the 2000s, and they big to marry, everyone seems to think that wearing chucks at your wedding is a good idea. For some reason, people find it edgy, cool, hip, trendy, and a modern twist on an otherwise traditional ceremony. It’s a way to put your “personality” into the wedding right? Make it more unique and different! Some guys even claim that chucks are more “comfortable” than other shoes (which is a total lie). Why, oh why, are you guys falling for this nonsense? Wearing chucks with your tux or suit at a wedding doesn’t show you being unique and different and making the wedding your own. What it shows is that you’re too lazy to actually take the time and energy necessary to really make the wedding different and to focus on those things that really make a man stand out. Details, and not chucks, are what makes a wedding known. No one is going to remember your wedding later and think that you wearing chucks is “cool” and made your wedding “more real”. And no one will look at you and say you looked really put together, that you looked great, that you knocked their socks off and impressed them. This is the opportunity to make your future mother in law actually excited that you’re marrying their daughter. Everyone loves a sharp dressed man so why not actually dress like one?

Every woman knows that accessories can make an outfit work or die. What every guy needs to know is that the same theory applies to them but in different ways. Your details are not as outlandish as a bag or a 5 inch heel. Your idea is to be Ice Cold. Your accessories are designed to form the illusions of clean lines, sophistication, class, and pop. The crispness of your shirt, the fit of your suit, the width of your tie – all of these are more telling than what you wear on your feet. And there are many ways to “rebel” without resorting to the boring and overused concept of chucks. Wear a skinny tie with a suit that’s a northern European cut. Add a slight pattern to your shirt. Wear skull and bones silver cuff links. Don’t wear a watch on your wrist but instead use a small necklace, money clip, or other piece of metal to reflect the line. Rather than wear a solid suit color, wear one with a light pattern that looks solid from a distance but the pattern is obvious up close. Invest in a bright and colorful pocket square. Get an awesome haircut. Get a facial, manicure, and take care of your face to remove sunspots or any redness. Pluck your eyebrows.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Clean lines, color, and class are what a groom should bring on his wedding day. The idea of your wedding should not just to be your same boring self (and chucks/sneakers/whatever is just an extension of your every day self and if its not, trying to wear chucks on your wedding day is just labeling you as a giant poser and how is that bringing your personality to your big day?). You should go big by being sophisticated and bring your style to what’s traditional and expected. Change your label, get a jacket with a different pocket type, wear dark shoes with a tiny dash of color, wear a dull metallic tie. Wear argyle socks. Keep yourself focused on being clean.

And why clean? Because your bride is going to notice everything – from how you smell, how you look, and when she’s close to you during your first dance, she’ll get it. And shouldn’t you impress her on your wedding day as much as she’s going to impress her?