When a man opens up the September/October 2009 Bridal Guide part 4

WE’RE ON THE HOME STRETCH!!! And I’ve been trying to not comment on the Forever Yours ads but, omg, please pick a different background next time. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. And a non-white girl might be nice.

And did you know kissing predates recorded history? But since it wasn’t recorded, we don’t know. History is hard.

The countdown calendar is on page 199. Nothing too exciting. I’m suppose to select and order my wedding gown it seems. I hope they have something in my size.

Page 207 brings us dress reviews and is all about ultra-feminine styles. I’m not sure about the dresses – still not down with only strapless being viable options now aday, but I love what they’re wearing in their hair. They look like cupcakes. And the guy on page 211 looks more like a waiter than the groom. Kinky.

The Runway reaport is all about glitter and…too many gals in dreses on one page. It’s too much. I’m getting bridal overload. I don’t know if I can handle this. One shoulder straps seem to be very in at the moment as well. Halters too. Turtle Necks are going to be next. I just know it.

FINALLY! CAKES! On Page 223. YESSSSSSSSSS. I am a fat man trapped in a skinny body.

I want one of each. No, two of each. White fondant covered in flowers. Esquist pipping. Butterflies. A motorcycle. Okay, maybe not the motorcycle. And the Cinderella castle might be a little too much too. And blue and white polka dotted cake looks less like pearls and more like a science experiment for a bad sci-fi movie but I could eat one of those caramel-covered cream puff towers all day long. In fact, I’d see it and probably miss my own wedding. I’d have to be rolled down the aisle. But it would be delicious. DELICIOUS.

I’m not down with beach themed cakes because I’m not down with beach themed weddings. What can I say? I grew up in the middle of the country. Fabric ribbon is in and has been for awhile. I know that. I still think it’s pretty.

And after the cakes, we get to the random, non-dress ads which are boring. Also all the local ads which are depressing. I don’t know why. They just are. Almost as depressing as all the special advertising features for honeymoon locations. The sand, the sun, the water. All depressing because I don’t have a job to afford it. Ah well. Some day. Some day.

Wait. What. The magazine is upside down now! You mean I have to turn it over? There is a special housewares section attached to the back of the magazine? Let me look. A doughnut shaped vase. Ah no. Cheesecake? Yes. Incense? No. Red plates? Yes. Fresh china? How can it be fresh? Did it arrive straight from the factory in China? But I can’t get tired of looking at the china I registered for. Awesome.

And that’s it. I’m done! YES.