The Dad Disease

Dear Future-Child-of-Mine,

Please note that I have already begun doing all the things that dads do that embarrass their children. You aren’t even out of the womb yet but I’m already assembling your IKea furniture incorrectly, singing songs where I misquote rap lyrics, and canceling fun plans to party late with my friends because I just can’t do that anymore. Falling on the couch, wearing dad jeans, buying New Balance shoes and wearing them non-ironically will be in my future very soon. I’m already thinking of calling your “Sport,” “Chippy,” “Junior,” in front of your friends. And, don’t worry, but I will proudly grow into this role because I am becoming a “dad.” It is a disease that I just can’t shake and I apologize for all future opportunities where I will embarrass you, even if it seems like I’m not only enjoying it but also seeking it out at all times. I might seem to be enjoying it but, please know, I just can’t help it.

And don’t think that shaming me by posting pictures of me online will help. Your mom already does this and, still, it doesn’t change me. In fact, I’m getting better at falling asleep on the couch at random times! I’ll be a dad before you know it.

This is what happens when I fall asleep on the couch after the animals drag me out of bed for their breakfast.

Love, me.