Pocket Sized Pastor*

200 days till our wedding. Our cake topper has arrived.

(by nakked peggies)

There’s a band called Bridezilla. They’re from Australia. Some people are probably wondering if they’re any good. I think the more important question is if they know kung fu. Also, if we could get the band put in a cage match against some real life Bridezillas, I’d watch that. Are you listening WE tv? You could have an awesome season finale right there.

I’m clearing out my google reader because I woke up earlier than expected today.

Protesting on your wedding day

A couple got married and decided to protest the Central Park carriage ride at the same time. At first, I found this obnoxious because I find PETA obnoxious but, to their credit, the horses in Central Park do look sickly compared to horses from other cities. I also don’t agree with handing tracts out at your wedding. I support the cause though I I do find that the bride’s comment about what the most wonderful wedding present in the world to just be illustrate a lack of imagination. Why not give the horses jetpacks? That would definitely be an awesomner present.

Don’t forget your busty friends

If you are going to have bridesmaids, please think about all aspects of your brides. Basically, if you don’t have a larger cup size, and your friends do, please let them actually wear a bra at your wedding. And if you’re a groom, please have the same consideration for your groomsmen. Don’t pick a suit that is an ugly color for the one tan guy in your party. Don’t pick ugly ties that will clash with your hipster friends mountain man facial hair. Flat toed shoes should not be worn at all. And if you’re forcing your groomsmen to wear pleated pants, you shouldn’t be allowed to get married at all. I know, it’s your wedding day, but don’t believe that your wedding party will be able to outshine you. They won’t. Let your wedding party look their best because if they do, they’ll have more fun. If they have more fun, the bride and groom will have more fun. And if everyone has more fun, there’s a better chance you’ll all end up on the dance floor doing the Hoedown Showdown with your grandma Sally and someone will trip and land in the cake. That would make a lovely picture.

A lot of my recent time, when it comes to wedding planning, has been sitting around and not thinking about it. My fiancee has done a good job ordering those things we need. We have a cake topper coming. Her bouquet arrived. My fiancee’s love of Etsy continues to grow unabated. She’s always looking, planning, thinking of new things to do while I just sit around and wait for things to happen.

So much for being an engaged groom.

Though once you finish the big planning steps, there really isn’t that much to do. My finacee and I are still 7 months out till our big day. I’m still unemployed and looking for work. I’m also the head of the process of finding my church a new pastor so there’s even a chance that our church won’t have an official pastor on the day of our wedding (but we’ve already arranged for a coverage pastor if need be). We’ve already arranged most of the menu in our head. Decorations are going to be light with most of it being just splashes of color to make the undercroft of the church a little more lively. Invitations will probably be made once the church pastor search advances a bit. And I’ve already done the website. What more can I do right now?

I could keep complaining about wedding trends but, really, after you complain as much as I have, there isn’t much new under the sun. The same ugly styles are just repeated over-and-over-and-over again. It’s like shouting at the ocean to stop throwing waves on the beach. It just ain’t going to happen. I do get tired of reading the blog posts where a bride or groom spends weeks showing pictures of every.single.minute of their wedding. I personally don’t want to see 5 blog posts all about the bride putting on the dress or 3 that detail the groom’s desire to have a “Reservoir Dogs” photoshoot. That’s why God gave us the little x on the corner of our screen to close windows.

We’ll see. I’ll try to come up with something new to blog about soon. My brother is coming for a visit today and will be here over the weekend. I’m sure he’ll say something about married life that I can mention.

The World’s Most Expensive Wedding dress

$1.5 million for a dress made out of peacock feathers? Wrong. It should be a tux made out of peacock feathers. I would totally rock that.

Orange Candy Buffet

I like how this is laid out.

Mad Men Weddings

I like some of the looks the only problem is that it doesn’t fit the story line. Where’s Don Drapper sleeping with the bridesmaids? Where’s the guy chasing after the 18 year old freshman from college who is the bride’s sister? Where’s the closeted gay? I need more more more people.

PIE

The more I think about it, the more I want pie at my wedding. Only problem is that pie is hard to eat and if you don’t have many tables, this could be a problem.

This is awful

What an awful wedding dress. Ladies, unless you are being married while scuba diving, do not expose your midrift at your wedding. If you must, do it at the reception but lets keep covered up at the ceremony or else I’m letting your groom walk around in a tube top on his big day.

Those Bridezillas

Another Bridezilla is facing possible jail time. This one actually wasn’t on the show but she did write a bad check and try to launder money to pay for her photographer, DJ, and other wedding day events. She was arrested 2 days before her wedding. I wonder if they waited to arrest her until right before her wedding day to make a point. That is something I would have done.

A 1.2 mile train

This might be a little excessive.

Subway shots

My fiancee and I aren’t the only ones who want to do this. Hopefully our shots will look less artsy, more comical than what seems to be the norm in NYC.

I take my cake seriously and I don’t think it’s wrong to take cake seriously. Have you had a bad piece of cake? I have. You order what looks like a delicious piece of culinary delight. You cut it with your fork and realize that it was a little tougher to cut through than it should. Then you bring it up to your mouth and notice that it doesn’t have any smell. When you bite into it and start to chew, you realize that you have something in your mouth that is a cross between an old gym sock and a piece of styrofoam. You look around, trying to figure out a tactful and discreet way to spit it out but you’re in the middle of a restaurant that gave you cloth napkins and if you run to the bathroom right now, everyone will assume you have explosive bowel movements. So you continue chewing, swallow, and silently pray that this “food” won’t kill you. I’ve been there more times than I’d like to admit. Cake is serious business.

So, if it is, then why do so many grooms NOT take it seriously?

The groom’s cake bothers me. It bothers me because, in the traditional views about weddings, it’s one of the few things that grooms are kinda involved with when it comes with wedding planning. We let our mom’s do the guest list, we let the bride plan the big day and even what we’re wearing, but the groom’s cake is one of those few opportunities where the groom can bring a little of his personality to the wedding day. I take the view that the groom should use all parts of the wedding as a way to present himself at his best while at the same time reflecting his personality. All of this should illustrate why why the bride is marrying this awesome specimen of man.

Yes those are shotgun shells lining the cake

This is not the groom being at his best.

So you’re a hunter. Great. Good for you. I bet everyone already knows that. But who in their right mind thinks putting a picture of a dead deer on a cake at their wedding is a good idea? Where in the book of being awesome is that even listed as a valid idea? It’s not. I have that book. I’ve read it. I looked in the index, dead deer is not in it. A dead deer on a cake is not in it. Even the idea of a photo cake isn’t in it. But a dead deer? REALLY?

And don’t get me started on the Bud Light cake.

Grooms, you’re hurting America when you decide to do something as ridiculous as this. Do not advertise that you’re an alcoholic on you wedding day. Do not show the world that you’re into blowup dolls on your wedding day. Do not put a tombstone to your bachelorhood on a cake on your wedding day. Do not do this. Bringing a little of yourself to your wedding does not mean being tacky. If you feel that urge, stifle it and remember that being tacky and ridiculous and a waste of space is what the bachelor party is for. Pick a decent cake for crying out loud. It’s not that hard!

Brides who want their wedding cake to look like them on their wedding day, scare me. They really do. But I think the following wedding cake takes the, er, cake, for being the most frightening wedding cake I have ever seen.

Thank the Lord for cake wrecks sharing this monstrosity. It’s a cake to showcase the bride’s dress ON A HEADLESS BODY. And it has no legs too! It’s just an unbloody torso sitting in the middle of the reception. And then the bride thinks it’s clever to put HER VEIL ontop of the ugly ugly beast. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

A reception like that would give me nightmares.

I know that they say that the wedding is the Bride’s day but come’on. There should be someone out there to stop the bride from doing something like this. Where’s the groom in all this? In fact, where’s the groom’s cake in all this? Was his cake just his pants standing straight up with a cuff and maybe a pleated front? I hope not but it would explain why this couple belong together.

Celebrity Wedding News

If you didn’t know, I pay attention to the world of celebrity gossip more than a my cat takes naps and since it’s summer, that means weddings are everywhere. Only two real celebrity worthy weddings to note right now though.

Last Saturday, Mark Wahlberg married his baby mama in a small ceremony in Beverely Hills. The bride wore a white, strapless dress Marchesa dress and the groom kept it classy with your standard tuxedo with shiny shoes. I think I like the bride’s hair here – the wavy and down look goes well with the dress but I couldn’t help but think that a little bolero or some small sleeves would work better with her frame. I could be biased though since, well, my lack of love for strapless dresses is well known. I also think Mr Wahlberg could have stepped it up a notch with his style choices – would it kill him to have a pocket square? Either way, after 3 kids, they finally tied the knot. Good for them.

Also, Milla Jovovich set her wedding date to marry director Paul Anderson for August 22nd. I learned she and her fiance had been engaged for six years which, well, is a lonnnnng engagement. I was about to go “whaa??” and then I realized that this will be Milla’s third marriage and that her first marriage took place a dozen years ago when she was only 16 (and also means she’s only slightly older than me). I think taking a long engagement when you’re approaching marriage number 3 is probably appropriate for some couples and considering my love for The Fifth Element, Milla Jovovich can do no wrong in my eyes.

DIY Menus

I don’t hate the idea of DIY Menus for your wedding. In fact, I’ve been wrestling in my head with how to use food labeling during the reception as a way to decorate the reception hall. My fiancee’s mother was very keen on the idea of keeping the fellowship hall at our church very plain and simple – let the wooden floors, the nave above the hall, and the people attending the reception be all the decoration we really need. I like that idea but I do feel the hall needs more especially since we’re serving a light dessert reception and candy buffet. With a lot of older members at our church, sugar free desserts and candy are a must and those need to be labeled as such. My recent googling of vintage wedding signs and my recent web design projects has also gotten my brain tied to the idea of fonts as visual cues of awesomeness. I’m not quite sure how to label the food at our reception (and I do refuse to use the phrase “love is sweet” at my candy buffet) but hopefully I’ll figure it out soon. I have nothing but time currently.

Wonder Woman and Superman get married

It’s like the end of Kingdom Come became a reality but I’m not sure how I feel about Spider-man showing up at a DC Comics wedding. Either way, I’ve noticed that the costumed guests, bride, and groom, did a good job with the, um, bulge problem the comes with wearing superhero spandex. And, yes, I do have personal experience with that and no, I can’t tell you why I have that experience. If I did, I would ruin my secret identity and put my loved ones at risk. *cue dramatic music here*

I hate weddings : 10 things to make me love a wedding

My fiancee and I have actually met the guy who runs IHateWeddings.com and so when my fiancee blogged about his recent post, I knew I had to share it here. I agree with everything on his list of how to make him love a wedding. It barrels down to being thoughtful of your guests. I think most couples planning weddings should think about that more than they do and this goes across all wedding budgets, traditions, and ideas. To be completely honest, I prefer larger weddings than smaller ones. I like weddings at churches and places of worship rather than at the courthouse or a restaurant. There are plenty of people who aren’t like that however and I respect that (for some reason, a lot of my social circle enjoys using the “weddings are so expensive for guests so we’re just getting married at the courthouse” as justification for their real reasoning being “we just want to get married at the courthouse”). But any wedding ceremony which is an honest reflection of the couple and their guests is fine by me. And I’m sure someone is gonna connect at my wedding because I’m pretty fabulous, my fiancee is pretty fabulous, and since we’re a fabulous couple, we have some fabulous friends. If my wedding doesn’t increase the amount of awesomeoness in the world by at least 4%, I will be disappointed.