For a magazine that only comes out six times a year, Bridal Guide is pretty thin. You think they’d be able to put more ads for dresses in there. The model on the cover is always some thin pretty white gal with something in her hair. And flowers. There’s always flowers on the cover. It’s very bridal as it should be.
So looking at the cover, we have dresses…dresses…something about cost-cutting, something about glitches on the big day, hair, makeup, blah blah blah. Even though I’m unemployed and my freelance gigs are basically nonexistent, none of this interests me. You think as a groomzilla there…wait. WAIT. On the top right, do I see CAKES? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. This magazine might be worth reading then.
And I open the front cover to see an ad with the China pattern I put on my registry. The ad implies that the bride will be the queen of entertaining but I think that this is the 21st century. I could be the king of entertaining, couldn’t I? Super bowl parties with the fine Chirp china! Chicken wings, baby back ribs, burger, and a mountain of fries all eaten daintily with a fork. Heck yes! This is how us metrosexual muthas roll, boy.
Dress ad, dress ad, bridesmaid dress ad, dress ad, yadda yadda yadda. After a point, they all look the same so I like to play a game when I’m reading a bridal magazine. You can always tell who are the high end bridal brands based on the models they choose and the type of photo shoot. If the gal looks like she either ate a sandwich today or is wearing makeup that your mom would wear, that brand is not very high end. If the photo eerily reminds you of your middle school days and being photographed with those weird backdrops, then the brand is not very high end. However, if the girls are wafer thin, look airbrushed, and are wearing fake tanning products, then those are the brands that assume they’re high end but they’re really not. It’s a fun game.
So once I get past the table of contents (and notice that cakes aren’t until page 223!), I see ads for honeymoons now. Sandals, etc, are every where. It makes me wish I had money for an expensive honeymoon but, well, right now I don’t. Also, the problem with most of these places is that they’re all-inclusive. You basically pay a lot of money with the idea that you can drink a lot. This doesn’t work if you’re like me and you don’t really drink. In fact, this doesn’t work on any level because alcohol, on the wholesale market, is cheap. The trick is to charge you 300% what it cost them and people will pay it because people like to drink. So an all-inclusive place isn’t that great of a deal for me unless the food is really good. If that’s true, then back up the dessert truck because I’m not going outside to enjoy that Caribbean sun and water at all or else I’d be mistaken for a beached whale. MMM.
Top 90 wedding songs on bridalguide.com. I’m going to be like the guide in the ad, thinking most of the songs are lame, aren’t I?
More dress ads, more dress ads, more dress ads. Here’s a tip for you at Eden Bridals. Don’t book a double paged spread and use the same model to be a bride on one side and a bridesmaid on the other. Sure, she’s pretty and I bet you saved money by using her twice. But when the bride pose makes it look like she is drunkenly falling over with a very Long Island Girl look on her face, and the bridesmaid pose makes it look like she’s going to try and sleep with the groom, your model has stopped selling the dresses now, hasn’t she?
And it took to page 58 before we actually got to any real content! At this rate, I’ll be at cake in no time.