When a man opens up the September/October 2009 Bridal Guide part 2

Page 58 is all about questions and answers. Only one of them applies to me. Someone asks if it’s okay to have a 150 person wedding, where 75 are out of towners, and not given them a full meal. Diane Forden, Editor in Chief, answers in a polite way and basically says “yes”. I would have answered in a not polite way and with a lot more sass. “DUH. They’re coming to see you get married not to get a free chicken-or-fish meal!” Or maybe they’re coming to get drunk and knock over the cake before the cake ceremony. That I can see.

Also, anyone else notice how white the models in this magazine are? 1/3 of the population is of color and we can’t even get into a bridal magazine. How ridiculous is this? Don’t we work? Don’t we have jobs? Don’t we watch – OMG CHEAP WEDDING FAVORS. I, no, all my guests, need a crystal multi-colored wine stopper. In fact, this might be my favorite part of the magazine. So much ridiculous cheesy pieces of crap, so little time. It’s like a grown up version of Oriental Trading.

And now off to invitations which, I should care about. I’m a web designer by trade. Fonts, type, graphics, layout, design – these things I care about. But for wedding invitations? Not so much. I haven’t figured out why yet. Maybe it’s because I never have received a wedding invitation in the mail that wasn’t eaten by the Postal Service. Corners dinged, things trashed, and then a hundred little pieces of paper fall out that reminds me of receiving my bank statements. I do like #4 in the SPICE IT UP category though. And #4 in the Green section. And #4 in Blue. I sense a theme here…

Oh hey, page #84, a guide to being a groom. And the model looks like a Ken doll. But an ethnically vague guy is on the next page in the Men’s Warehouse ad. SE SI PUEDE! Anyways, the comments for the groom are pretty good but seem to me to be more things Brides should know rather than the other way around. They’re all rules that guys should know instinctively from just wearing a suit once in awhile or seeing their dad’s get dressed while growing up. But if they don’t know this, they shouldn’t be reading about the proper fit of a tuxedo jacket or where a boutonniere should be pinned in a woman’s bridal magazine. He should be ashamed of himself for being a slob and should go into the nearest Barneys and ask for help and knowledge. It’s okay guys. We can do this. We can do this together.

And I don’t find the joke about pleats on the trousers funny at all. You should NOT be wearing pleats. Only flat fronts. If you’re wearing pleats, in any of your pants, you should not be allowed out of the house!

Ugh. Mother of the Bride looks. It helps if your models are actually over the age of 30 unless your target market is unwed mothers.

On page 92 is a section about party rings and tells you that you should pick your party ring (what the hell is a party ring?) based on your star sign. I’m sorry Bridal Guide but Taurus is apr 20- may 20, not the 21 to 21. And I don’t think that ring would be one my bride would pick. I like it though. I probably could rock it. Maybe I should have some party cufflinks but I don’t know if you can put those on tshirts.

David’s Bridal. Please. Stop. The. Kissing. Of. Kids. In. Ads. Precious Moments is proof that sin is an all prevailing force in the world. Though it beats the House of Brides ads which give off a creepy XXX lounge feel.

Page 110 has an interview with Vatana Watters, a designer of bridal gowns. She recommends to pay attention to your inner voice. My inner voice is telling me if I see another strapless dress on someone who should not be wearing strapless dresses, I will give said woman a turtle neck sweater for a wedding present. And I don’t even care if I’m invited to the wedding or not. I will just show up and give it to them. Ugh. STRAP REVOLUTION 4 LYFE.

Wedding day makeup..yadda yadda yadda. Alfred Angelo’s bridal models look 15. Cake Jewelry is my favorite Jewelry. And I like seeing my alma matter quotes in the Fast Fact part of Health and Fitness. The average desired weight loss is 23 lbs for 70% of brides? I’m at the thinnest I’ve ever been after losing over 30 lbs and keeping it off for 4 years. I know, I know, I’m a guy, it could be easier for me but I recently saw pictures of me when I was fat and all I could say is FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. Here’s my tip. Brown bag your lunch, drink more water, stop drinking, and eat less. Change your lifestyle, count calories, and workout. You can do it!

Okay. What is this. Why is the only diversity when it comes to women are the flower girls? Really. Shame shame shame Wedding Industry. Shame Shame Shame.

[to be continued]

3 thoughts on “When a man opens up the September/October 2009 Bridal Guide part 2”

  1. stynxno -guy, bro, dude….c’mon talk to me about cakes already! I did however just buy 4710 items for 10$ from that leweddingfavor joint…thanks for that…seriously though, I did buy 150$ worth of bottle stoppers and poker chips, I can’t understand how they can make money on this stuff, so effin cheap! I may start reading bridal guide instead of….wait….I don’t read anything in print anymore. I guess instead of your blog unless you get to those tasty cakes! btw a little spoiler – http://www.bridalguide.com/cakes

  2. I know I know. But they put the cakes at the end of the magazine. That’s how they get you. They made you wade through piles and piles of horrible ads filled with women who look like they’ve just eaten a large bean burrito before they get you to the good stuff.

    I probably should link to images of the actual cakes rather than just describe my reactions to them. We’ll see but as an unemployed person, for some reason, I’m really busy. So weird.

  3. I’m still convinced these mags are written solely for the fairer sex. I’m getting married in September and I’m yet to find a single bridal mag/blog/show/newsletter/carrier pidgeon that caters to me as the groom. And by cater I mean talk to me about catering, or cakes(as you have), or how to keep my bride-to-be sane, or deal with asinine requests from distant cousins….. Business(busy-ness(sp)) aside you’re doing good work, keep it up!

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