Why are grooms so tacky?

I take my cake seriously and I don’t think it’s wrong to take cake seriously. Have you had a bad piece of cake? I have. You order what looks like a delicious piece of culinary delight. You cut it with your fork and realize that it was a little tougher to cut through than it should. Then you bring it up to your mouth and notice that it doesn’t have any smell. When you bite into it and start to chew, you realize that you have something in your mouth that is a cross between an old gym sock and a piece of styrofoam. You look around, trying to figure out a tactful and discreet way to spit it out but you’re in the middle of a restaurant that gave you cloth napkins and if you run to the bathroom right now, everyone will assume you have explosive bowel movements. So you continue chewing, swallow, and silently pray that this “food” won’t kill you. I’ve been there more times than I’d like to admit. Cake is serious business.

So, if it is, then why do so many grooms NOT take it seriously?

The groom’s cake bothers me. It bothers me because, in the traditional views about weddings, it’s one of the few things that grooms are kinda involved with when it comes with wedding planning. We let our mom’s do the guest list, we let the bride plan the big day and even what we’re wearing, but the groom’s cake is one of those few opportunities where the groom can bring a little of his personality to the wedding day. I take the view that the groom should use all parts of the wedding as a way to present himself at his best while at the same time reflecting his personality. All of this should illustrate why why the bride is marrying this awesome specimen of man.

Yes those are shotgun shells lining the cake

This is not the groom being at his best.

So you’re a hunter. Great. Good for you. I bet everyone already knows that. But who in their right mind thinks putting a picture of a dead deer on a cake at their wedding is a good idea? Where in the book of being awesome is that even listed as a valid idea? It’s not. I have that book. I’ve read it. I looked in the index, dead deer is not in it. A dead deer on a cake is not in it. Even the idea of a photo cake isn’t in it. But a dead deer? REALLY?

And don’t get me started on the Bud Light cake.

Grooms, you’re hurting America when you decide to do something as ridiculous as this. Do not advertise that you’re an alcoholic on you wedding day. Do not show the world that you’re into blowup dolls on your wedding day. Do not put a tombstone to your bachelorhood on a cake on your wedding day. Do not do this. Bringing a little of yourself to your wedding does not mean being tacky. If you feel that urge, stifle it and remember that being tacky and ridiculous and a waste of space is what the bachelor party is for. Pick a decent cake for crying out loud. It’s not that hard!