Invites invites invites

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Yes that is my real first and middle name

So my fiancee and I are thinking about our invitations.

And we’re looking at Costco.

But this invite from Married by the Sea (via manolobrides.com( might be an even better choice.

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We had a little chat on the subway yesterday about how to word the invitation and we’re still not sure how to do it. Since we’re paying for the event (well, most of it), we want to start out the invitation saying “With our parents, Kate and Marc would be honored at your presence at our wedding” or something along those lines. The problem is with the initial “our”. It bothers my fiancee. It doesn’t read right to her. Why do we start the invitation saying “our” but then seem to refer to ourselves in the third person for the rest of the invitation? Do the people not receiving the invitation know who we are? Are we so distant from them that they need to hear our full name again? And if that’s true, why are we inviting them in the first place?

My fiancee thought about throwing in “with their parents” but that didn’t sound right either and I’m still confused about what exactly to say. Maybe invitations have moved beyond needing to sound “right” but rather have a set convention that should be continued until “our parents” starts to sound 100% correct as language evolves and changes. I dunno. What I do know, however, is that 100 bucks for 125 invites is a good deal which is why we’re sticking with simple invitations I believe. My only concern is the quality of the printing job since I’ve never seen a Costco printed invitation before. If it’s anything like their cakes (which I have eaten a lot of – you can’t attend a church and not end up eating Costco cake), it should be adequate for the job.

Bring some POP as a Crucifer at Trinity LIC.

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I don’t have a lot of shoes. I tend to only wear two or three pairs before they wear out and develop holes in the bottom (which seems to only take about two months it seems). Currently, I’m wearing red Converse All-star Chucks when I go to the gym. I wear black low top Chucks when it’s hot and I bust out the sorts. And I wear a pair of Oxford clones from Urban Outfitters as my work/everyday shoe. The problem with the Oxfords is that they don’t have much traction on the bottom. In fact, they have none. I can slip and slide down a sidewalk like I’m skating in Bryant Park. When I’m carrying groceries from the store, that’s not very fun.

So, today at church, I was going to be the crucifer (and I ended up filling in as a chalice bearer during communion). As a crucifer, I lead the four processions that occur during service, carrying a large cruifix in the process. I’m also dressed in a white and black robe. My plan was to wear my oxfords because that’s kinda dressy and I tend to dress down for church and I wanted to be a little different today. But then I realized that the church’s floors were waxed two weeks ago. I spent all day yesterday running nightmare scenarios in my head where I slip while carrying the cross and it lands on my head and kills me. But since I’m already at the church when it happens, the funeral is short and sweet and quite lovely. And then Aretha Franklin comes by, wearing one of her hats, and brings the house down with her beautiful voice. The place would be packed of course. Hundreds of people would fill out into the streets. And my fiancee would throw herself onto my casket going “I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!”. It would be very Hollywood and Michael Bay would do the special effects. I’d then haunt the church which would be nice until it’s eventually razed and some condos are put in its place. That’s how it always goes.

Anyways, not wanting that to happen, I wore my red Chucks instead. Nothing makes the old ladies at church excited than seeing my red Chucks carrying the cross or when they bend down and say “Amen” after they dip the bread into the cup. One even told me that she liked my shoes before she said Amen right after I said “The Blood of Christ shed for you”. I couldn’t help it but say “Thanks!” I’m not sure the Church Fathers would have approved.

I never wanted to be THAT guy

It’s pretty standard belief that when it comes to Weddings, guys are not only clueless, but we’re aggressively irritatingly clueless. We become passive aggressive, complain all the time, and start raging against “society” for telling us to “behave” a certain way. We stop thinking (if we ever really did any thinking before hand) and become worse that your stereotypical mother-in-law when it comes to helping with the wedding planning. We become unhelpful and resentful because we don’t like how much the wedding costs, we feel like we’re being shut out of the process because “it’s the bride’s day”, so we drag our feet, make a bunch of sarcastic comments, and piss off our fiancee by going on a bachelor party to Las Vegas and meeting a stripper named Precious. And then we get mad that anyone gets mad at us.

Man. That guy should be dropped off a cliff.

And that guy still exists for some reason. A poster posted two very common THAT guy questions on ask metafilter. His first question was how much a wedding should cost when it was really a screen that weddings are expensive wastes of time. The second question was framed originally as a question where he wanted to get married away from his bride’s family but the bride’s family wasn’t happy about that. It wasn’t a real question though – it was one of those types of questions where he wanted everyone to say that he was right, the bride’s family was wrong, and he even made a joke that the bride’s family didn’t have to attend the wedding if they didn’t like where it was. It was one of those “dark humor” moments that are really a screen for a passive aggressive behavioral trait that guys get at weddings. And how do I know that? He admits to not even fully knowing the budget for his wedding or who is going to pay for it. He isn’t taking the wedding seriously at all; he’s dragging his feet and hope that his passive aggressive behavior will break down his partner and they’ll get married on his terms. That, however, works better at ending engagements rather than getting better wedding terms.

There are a lot of reasons why THAT guy comes up. Part of it has to do with a lack of control, with the feeling that the groom gets shafted at the wedding, and that there’s a big party going on where the groom is specifically on the sidelines of the celebration. Part of this behavior is taught and expressed in the fact that mainstream advertising is bride focused. Open a wedding magazine and it’s 95% ads for dresses and maybe one ad for a tux rental. That’s it. There’s no real attention directed towards guys and that, I think, is the real crux of the issue. Everyone likes to be the focus of attention and it’s really hard to NOT be when you’re use to it. I’ve mentioned this before but it’s what happens when a person never learns to be able to fully live outside their own head. And this overall type of behavior is definitely not something that an Engaged Groom should be doing.

This is kinda why I’m blogging about leading up to the big day. I understand what it’s like to feel slightly shafted from the process. I understand that it’s easy for a guy to feel pretty clueless when it comes to weddings because we’re never really taught to care about them from a young age. I heard more about bachelor parties when I was growing up rather than weddings and that’s not right. One way to step outside of that pre-defined box, to feel as if you have some control over your own life, is to just be engaged with the process. Make decisions, take this wedding seriously, and don’t drag your feet or become a passive aggressive annoying brat. Weddings are stressful. Weddings can be a huge planning ordeal. But if you, Mr Groom, are unable to participate in it successfully with your fiancee, how are you going to be able to handle any of the bigger problems that come in the future? Kids, a house, jobs, retirement, inlaws, deciding on who’s family you stay with during what holidays, arguing over the remote, where cookies go in the kitchen, etc? I’m learning how to work things out with my fiancee now so that our married life is as pleasant as possible. I’ll can wait till my kids show up before I really get stressed out.

Quick Hits for April 16, 2009

Personalized cookies

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If I had a million dollars, all my food would be personalized. I like these heart shaped macaroons. I’d have fancy desserts like that at my wedding. And I’d order the homemade marshmallows from Jean George, chocolates from Jacque Torres, and enough desserts so that every person could have ten each. But then they’d only eat one. And I’d have to eat the rest. Watch out love! I’m letting myself go after the wedding! WOOHOO!

New York summer weddings

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I probably should buy this; New York‘s summer wedding issue is out. But I’m broke so maybe I’ll just go to Barnes and Noble’s and just stare at it. I’ll get a stack of magazines, go find some window sill, sit down, and start looking at the pictures. I won’t read it, of course, but I’ll admire the photography work on the models, the macros of the plate settings, and wonder if I’ll ever be able to afford the camera equipment that I want. Wait? What’s that? I’m suppose to look at the dresses and get decoration ideas for my own wedding? Please. Wedding magazines are like fashion magazines – pr0n for the camera inclined and nothing else. Okay, that’s a lie but that is what I tend to notice first when I open wedding magazines up first. It takes effort on my part to notice what is actually being advertised.