Pocket Sized Pastor*

WE’RE ON THE HOME STRETCH!!! And I’ve been trying to not comment on the Forever Yours ads but, omg, please pick a different background next time. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. And a non-white girl might be nice.

And did you know kissing predates recorded history? But since it wasn’t recorded, we don’t know. History is hard.

The countdown calendar is on page 199. Nothing too exciting. I’m suppose to select and order my wedding gown it seems. I hope they have something in my size.

Page 207 brings us dress reviews and is all about ultra-feminine styles. I’m not sure about the dresses – still not down with only strapless being viable options now aday, but I love what they’re wearing in their hair. They look like cupcakes. And the guy on page 211 looks more like a waiter than the groom. Kinky.

The Runway reaport is all about glitter and…too many gals in dreses on one page. It’s too much. I’m getting bridal overload. I don’t know if I can handle this. One shoulder straps seem to be very in at the moment as well. Halters too. Turtle Necks are going to be next. I just know it.

FINALLY! CAKES! On Page 223. YESSSSSSSSSS. I am a fat man trapped in a skinny body.

I want one of each. No, two of each. White fondant covered in flowers. Esquist pipping. Butterflies. A motorcycle. Okay, maybe not the motorcycle. And the Cinderella castle might be a little too much too. And blue and white polka dotted cake looks less like pearls and more like a science experiment for a bad sci-fi movie but I could eat one of those caramel-covered cream puff towers all day long. In fact, I’d see it and probably miss my own wedding. I’d have to be rolled down the aisle. But it would be delicious. DELICIOUS.

I’m not down with beach themed cakes because I’m not down with beach themed weddings. What can I say? I grew up in the middle of the country. Fabric ribbon is in and has been for awhile. I know that. I still think it’s pretty.

And after the cakes, we get to the random, non-dress ads which are boring. Also all the local ads which are depressing. I don’t know why. They just are. Almost as depressing as all the special advertising features for honeymoon locations. The sand, the sun, the water. All depressing because I don’t have a job to afford it. Ah well. Some day. Some day.

Wait. What. The magazine is upside down now! You mean I have to turn it over? There is a special housewares section attached to the back of the magazine? Let me look. A doughnut shaped vase. Ah no. Cheesecake? Yes. Incense? No. Red plates? Yes. Fresh china? How can it be fresh? Did it arrive straight from the factory in China? But I can’t get tired of looking at the china I registered for. Awesome.

And that’s it. I’m done! YES.

Grooms can do the work too

Melissa Rycroft has the right idea. Her fiancee is doing all the planning. Good job Melissa!

Lower East Side Wedding Chapel

Because New York City isn’t hipster enough already.

As close as you can get to leaving the bride at the altar without doing that

Canceling your $2 million dollar wedding 2 hours before the wedding isn’t smart but it’s probably cheaper than the eventual divorce. And why you were letting your wedding get to the $2 million mark if you weren’t going to go through with it, I don’t know. I just don’t know. Way to go Richard Jefferson.

Ah the Recession special part of the magazine. 3 couples, 3 weddings, 3 “low prices”. One paid 15k, another 6k, still another 4k. They all, supposedly, had budgets that were 300% higher than their final tally. Couple 1 cut their expenses by cutting their guest list from 200 to 50. That’s pretty much the only cost cutting tip they did and, to be honest, if you can cut your wedding guest list from 200 to 50, maybe it shouldn’t have been 200 to begin with, just sayin’. However, the pictures look nice, their cake looks Martha Stewart worthy, and I’m with them, I’ll splurge on the photography any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

The next couple saved their money by keeping their guest list at 120 but modifying their ideas about flowers. The bride wanted tons of flowers but instead of real ones, the bride and her sister used silk flowers. And being in the middle of Texas meant that their food/drink expenses would be lower than say, NYC, and they were able to skimp on photographers, DJ’s, and her dress only cost slightly more than the groom’s suit. Not bad not bad.

The 3rd couple kept it simple by having only 30 guests, and they had cupcakes rather than your standard wedding cake. So the big tip is to have a small wedding party. Makes complete sense, doesn’t it?

My 5000 guests will not be denied however though. Not.Be.Denied.

And the face of the gal in the Casablanca Bridal ad is freaking me out. That doesn’t say come hither. That says bad photoshop job. But the Sarah Danielle ad with the mother in the big hat – brilliant idea. Big church hats for all moms everywhere. I like it. In fact, I might demand it. A hat so big, it knocks two people out when my mom is walked down the aisle. YES.

Page 162 is all about negotiating with vendors. You know how I’m handling that? By not having any vendors. Costco and online shopping, for the win.

25 Big-Day glitches to avoid. #2 is about guests complaining about not getting a full meal at meal time. Duh. #5 is about the local power grid, #7 about the weather, and #12 is about being a jerk and playing your music late at night. Honestly, most of these sound less glitches and more brides and grooms forgetting that even though the wedding is about them, there are other people who will be there. Common sense and being thoughtful. What’s wrong with that?

Page 184 and we’re at Kristen Sueoka and Brad Hoover’s wedding. Held in Carmel Valley, California at a ranch with 150 guests. They “saved” money by buying the alcohol and stocking it themselves. And the wedding was Eco Friendly though I guess they didn’t care about the carbon credits the guests would need to fly to the wedding. Wait Wait Wait. The groom brewed 5 special ales FOR HIS OWN WEDDING. I don’t need to read anything else. In fact, I could care less how much this cost. This groom took charge, did something he loves, and made this wedding personal. He was engaged. ENGAGED. And I hope the bride loves home brew equipment because that takes up space. And I like his suit though I wish it was a tad darker. Their cake was nice with strawberries on top. And I like how he’s not wearing a vest. I know that, personally, the rest of the wedding details would annoy me for purely personal style issues and how it’s not really my scene, but, man, this guy, he’s awesome. They should be interviewing him for this magazine. Well done sir. Well done.

And the gals in the Eden Bridals ads look like they’re sneaking off to go to the bathroom. Not sexy. Not sexy at all.

Page 58 is all about questions and answers. Only one of them applies to me. Someone asks if it’s okay to have a 150 person wedding, where 75 are out of towners, and not given them a full meal. Diane Forden, Editor in Chief, answers in a polite way and basically says “yes”. I would have answered in a not polite way and with a lot more sass. “DUH. They’re coming to see you get married not to get a free chicken-or-fish meal!” Or maybe they’re coming to get drunk and knock over the cake before the cake ceremony. That I can see.

Also, anyone else notice how white the models in this magazine are? 1/3 of the population is of color and we can’t even get into a bridal magazine. How ridiculous is this? Don’t we work? Don’t we have jobs? Don’t we watch – OMG CHEAP WEDDING FAVORS. I, no, all my guests, need a crystal multi-colored wine stopper. In fact, this might be my favorite part of the magazine. So much ridiculous cheesy pieces of crap, so little time. It’s like a grown up version of Oriental Trading.

And now off to invitations which, I should care about. I’m a web designer by trade. Fonts, type, graphics, layout, design – these things I care about. But for wedding invitations? Not so much. I haven’t figured out why yet. Maybe it’s because I never have received a wedding invitation in the mail that wasn’t eaten by the Postal Service. Corners dinged, things trashed, and then a hundred little pieces of paper fall out that reminds me of receiving my bank statements. I do like #4 in the SPICE IT UP category though. And #4 in the Green section. And #4 in Blue. I sense a theme here…

Oh hey, page #84, a guide to being a groom. And the model looks like a Ken doll. But an ethnically vague guy is on the next page in the Men’s Warehouse ad. SE SI PUEDE! Anyways, the comments for the groom are pretty good but seem to me to be more things Brides should know rather than the other way around. They’re all rules that guys should know instinctively from just wearing a suit once in awhile or seeing their dad’s get dressed while growing up. But if they don’t know this, they shouldn’t be reading about the proper fit of a tuxedo jacket or where a boutonniere should be pinned in a woman’s bridal magazine. He should be ashamed of himself for being a slob and should go into the nearest Barneys and ask for help and knowledge. It’s okay guys. We can do this. We can do this together.

And I don’t find the joke about pleats on the trousers funny at all. You should NOT be wearing pleats. Only flat fronts. If you’re wearing pleats, in any of your pants, you should not be allowed out of the house!

Ugh. Mother of the Bride looks. It helps if your models are actually over the age of 30 unless your target market is unwed mothers.

On page 92 is a section about party rings and tells you that you should pick your party ring (what the hell is a party ring?) based on your star sign. I’m sorry Bridal Guide but Taurus is apr 20- may 20, not the 21 to 21. And I don’t think that ring would be one my bride would pick. I like it though. I probably could rock it. Maybe I should have some party cufflinks but I don’t know if you can put those on tshirts.

David’s Bridal. Please. Stop. The. Kissing. Of. Kids. In. Ads. Precious Moments is proof that sin is an all prevailing force in the world. Though it beats the House of Brides ads which give off a creepy XXX lounge feel.

Page 110 has an interview with Vatana Watters, a designer of bridal gowns. She recommends to pay attention to your inner voice. My inner voice is telling me if I see another strapless dress on someone who should not be wearing strapless dresses, I will give said woman a turtle neck sweater for a wedding present. And I don’t even care if I’m invited to the wedding or not. I will just show up and give it to them. Ugh. STRAP REVOLUTION 4 LYFE.

Wedding day makeup..yadda yadda yadda. Alfred Angelo’s bridal models look 15. Cake Jewelry is my favorite Jewelry. And I like seeing my alma matter quotes in the Fast Fact part of Health and Fitness. The average desired weight loss is 23 lbs for 70% of brides? I’m at the thinnest I’ve ever been after losing over 30 lbs and keeping it off for 4 years. I know, I know, I’m a guy, it could be easier for me but I recently saw pictures of me when I was fat and all I could say is FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. Here’s my tip. Brown bag your lunch, drink more water, stop drinking, and eat less. Change your lifestyle, count calories, and workout. You can do it!

Okay. What is this. Why is the only diversity when it comes to women are the flower girls? Really. Shame shame shame Wedding Industry. Shame Shame Shame.

[to be continued]

Scary no?

For a magazine that only comes out six times a year, Bridal Guide is pretty thin. You think they’d be able to put more ads for dresses in there. The model on the cover is always some thin pretty white gal with something in her hair. And flowers. There’s always flowers on the cover. It’s very bridal as it should be.

So looking at the cover, we have dresses…dresses…something about cost-cutting, something about glitches on the big day, hair, makeup, blah blah blah. Even though I’m unemployed and my freelance gigs are basically nonexistent, none of this interests me. You think as a groomzilla there…wait. WAIT. On the top right, do I see CAKES? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. This magazine might be worth reading then.

And I open the front cover to see an ad with the China pattern I put on my registry. The ad implies that the bride will be the queen of entertaining but I think that this is the 21st century. I could be the king of entertaining, couldn’t I? Super bowl parties with the fine Chirp china! Chicken wings, baby back ribs, burger, and a mountain of fries all eaten daintily with a fork. Heck yes! This is how us metrosexual muthas roll, boy.

Dress ad, dress ad, bridesmaid dress ad, dress ad, yadda yadda yadda. After a point, they all look the same so I like to play a game when I’m reading a bridal magazine. You can always tell who are the high end bridal brands based on the models they choose and the type of photo shoot. If the gal looks like she either ate a sandwich today or is wearing makeup that your mom would wear, that brand is not very high end. If the photo eerily reminds you of your middle school days and being photographed with those weird backdrops, then the brand is not very high end. However, if the girls are wafer thin, look airbrushed, and are wearing fake tanning products, then those are the brands that assume they’re high end but they’re really not. It’s a fun game.

So once I get past the table of contents (and notice that cakes aren’t until page 223!), I see ads for honeymoons now. Sandals, etc, are every where. It makes me wish I had money for an expensive honeymoon but, well, right now I don’t. Also, the problem with most of these places is that they’re all-inclusive. You basically pay a lot of money with the idea that you can drink a lot. This doesn’t work if you’re like me and you don’t really drink. In fact, this doesn’t work on any level because alcohol, on the wholesale market, is cheap. The trick is to charge you 300% what it cost them and people will pay it because people like to drink. So an all-inclusive place isn’t that great of a deal for me unless the food is really good. If that’s true, then back up the dessert truck because I’m not going outside to enjoy that Caribbean sun and water at all or else I’d be mistaken for a beached whale. MMM.

Top 90 wedding songs on bridalguide.com. I’m going to be like the guide in the ad, thinking most of the songs are lame, aren’t I?

More dress ads, more dress ads, more dress ads. Here’s a tip for you at Eden Bridals. Don’t book a double paged spread and use the same model to be a bride on one side and a bridesmaid on the other. Sure, she’s pretty and I bet you saved money by using her twice. But when the bride pose makes it look like she is drunkenly falling over with a very Long Island Girl look on her face, and the bridesmaid pose makes it look like she’s going to try and sleep with the groom, your model has stopped selling the dresses now, hasn’t she?

And it took to page 58 before we actually got to any real content! At this rate, I’ll be at cake in no time.